AS USUAL, PEOPLE GOT VARIOUS THINGS STUCK IN THEIR ORIFICES (Bullet, Rock, Nail Cat Toy, Baby Shoe…)

ERs across the country are busy with more life-threatening matters which are NO JOKE. The US had the deadliest day since the pandemic began yesterday with 3700+ deaths.

But I repost Defector’s list every year and we need distractions from this ongoing nightmare. And this list is as crazy as ever. One the most puzzling…

“HAS HAD A MARBLE IN HIS PENIS FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS AND DECIDED HE NEEDS IT REMOVED”

Reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. All descriptions are verbatim.

Objects are sorted by orifice, north to south. So, here goes…

EAR

• COFFEE GROUNDS

• RUBBER BANDS

• SEVERAL HAIR BANDS

• “PATIENT’S SIBLINGS PUT A PIECE OF PAPER IN PATIENT’S RIGHT EAR TRYING TO SHOW HIM A MAGIC TRICK”

• LOLLIPOP

• TOY SWORD

• “TAKES SHOWER WITH EARPLUGS IN EARS IN ATTEMPT TO PREVENT WATER FROM GOING IN & NOW EARPLUG IS STUCK IN LEFT EAR”

• BOBBY PIN

• HAIRPIN

• HAIR TRIMMER ATTACHMENT

• “FOUND A BEAD AND PLACED IT IN HIS EAR SO HE WOULDN’T LOSE IT”

• TOY DINOSAUR

• TWEEZERS

• FIBERGLASS

• “CAR WAS REAR-ENDED AND HE HIT HIS HEAD ON THE BACK OF THE FRONT SEAT, C/O HEADACHES SINCE, ALSO PUT A PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS RIGHT EAR 1 MONTH AGO”

• TOOTH

• COMB TOOTH

• DOG TOOTH

• “WAS SLEEPING WHEN HER 4 YO CHILD BROKE WOODEN TIP OF A PAINT BRUSH AND PUT IT IN HER EAR”

• PEN CAP

• MARKER TIP

• NAIL

• “WAS EXPERIENCING PAIN IN EAR SO ROLLED UP PIECES OF PAPER TO PUT INSIDE IT. CHANGED THEM OUT A FEW TIMES WHEN THE LAST ONE BECAME STUCK IN EAR”

• PEARL

• PIECE OF WICKER CLOTHES HAMPER

• “PUT A CRAYON IN EACH EAR IN SCHOOL. CRAYON REMOVED FROM RIGHT EAR BUT NOT FROM LEFT”

• NECKLACE

• BRACELET

• RECEIPT

• CLAY

• “HAD EARBUDS IN HIS EARS UNDER HIS SNOWMOBILE HELMET HIT A WATER BAR AND HIS HELMET PUSHED HIS EAR BUDS DEEP INTO HIS EAR”

• PLASTIC MAGIC WAND

• CANDLE WAX

• BLUE SLIME

• “PLACED BBS IN EAR BUDS AND FORGOT THERE WERE IN THERE. STUCK THE EAR BUDS ON AND NOW HAS 2 BBS LODGED IN EAR”

• SODA CAN TAB

• PLASTIC SPOON

• “FELT LIKE SOMETHING THERE. BURNING SENSATION, FLUSHED THE EAR AND A WORM FLUSHED OUT”

• AIRSOFT PELLET, PIECE OF PURPLE CRAYON, SMALL ROCK (ALL SAME PATIENT)

NOSE

• EARPLUG

• CONFETTI

• BALLOON

• CANDY WRAPPER

• FAKE DIAMOND

• FLOWER

• SUNFLOWER SEED

• TOY CAR TIRE

• TOY LIZARD TAIL

• STEEL NUT

• QUITE A BIT OF TISSUE PAPER

• MINI FLASHLIGHT

• MINI BOWLING PIN

• SPONGE

• TOY CARROT

• BREAD

• POM POM

• GOOGLY EYE

• SISTER’S HAIR

• 2 BATTERIES

• PEANUT

THROAT

• DISPOSABLE STRAW

• METAL STRAW

• PLASTIC FORK

• PLASTIC CUP

• PLASTIC JAIL WRISTBAND

• CAT TOY

• BIB

• PIECE OF SOCK

• “A BEE OR A WASP”

• SMALL POOL BALL

• HONEY

• TIP OF KNIFE

• METAL PIPE

• SEWING NEEDLE

• ELECTRICAL TAPE

• THERMOMETER

• GLOW STICK

• SMALL AMERICAN FLAG

PENIS

• COCK PLUG

• TONGUE RING

• BALLOON

• STRING OF MAGNETIC BEADS

• “PLAYING WITH PHONE AND FELL ASLEEP WHEN HE WOKE UP HIS STYLUS WAS IN HIS URETHA. INJURY OCCURRED 4 DAYS AGO AND DIDN’T SEEK TREATMENT”

• PEN

• PENCIL

• PAINTBRUSH

• “METAL SCREW IN HIS URETHRA TO CAUSE AN ERECTION”

• WIRE HANGER

• LANYARD

• “HAS HAD A MARBLE IN HIS PENIS FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS AND DECIDED HE NEEDS IT REMOVED”

• GLUE

VAGINA

• SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• BATTERY

• PILL BOTTLE

• SMALL VIBRATOR

• LARGE VIBRATOR

• PAPER CLIPS

• “PATIENT WAS INTOXICATED 4 MONTHS AGO PLACED A CRUMBLE OF TIN FOIL INSIDE VAGINA”

• FILM CANISTER

• PART OF SLINKY

• EYEBROW PENCIL

• SCREW

• PEN

• 3 BAGS OF METH

• BULLET

• ROCK

• BATH BOMB

• BABY SHOE

RECTUM

• BOUNCY BALL

• MULTIPLE MARBLES

• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

• CRAYON

• “PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM AND NOW NOT ABLE TO SIT”

• NAIL POLISH BOTTLE

• SHAVING GEL BOTTLE

• AEROSOL CONTAINER

• “PATIENT REPORTS INSERTING A DEODORANT SPRAY CAN INSIDE HIS RECTUM LAST NIGHT AS HE WAS CONSTIPATED”

• “SHAMPOO BOTTLE IN HIS RECTUM THAT HE PLACED THERE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”

• SMALL FOAM FOOTBALL

• STICK

• SCREWDRIVER IN ANUS, HANDLE FELL OFF

• “WAS INTOXICATED & IS UNCERTAIN IF SHE USED HER ANAL BEADS OR NOT, CANT FIND THEM @ HOME […] NONE FOUND IN ER EXAM”

• PIPE

• VIBRATOR RING

• “VIBRATOR STRUCK IN RECTUM. VIBRATOR IS STILL ON.”

• 5 INCH DILDO

• 6 INCH DILDO

• 7 INCH DILDO

• 10 INCH DILDO

• APPLE

• TOY SHARK

• PLASTIC TURTLE

• CAT TOY BELL

• BASEBALL

• NEWSPAPER

• COLOGNE BOTTLE

• BABY OIL BOTTLE

• HAND LOTION BOTTLE

• “WAS SQUATTING IN THE SHOWER WHEN HE GOT A SMALL BOTTLE STUCK IN HIS RECTUM”

• REMOTE CONTROL

• FORK

• WATER BOTTLE

• “3 WEEKS AGO HE WAS DRUNK AND PUT A LIGHT BULB UP HIS RECTUM.”

• POOPAROOS TOY

• WEEBLE WOBBLE TOY

• WRITING PEN AND BOTTLE CAP

• FOAM DART

• 6 MAGIC MARKERS

• CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

• “PUT DILDO INTO RECTUM 2 DAYS AGO & WAS PERFORMING DAILY ACTIVITIES WITH IT IN PLACE. WHEN RIDING LAWN MOWER THE DILDO SLID INSIDE RECTUM COMPLETELY”

(via Defector)

WHAT DID AMERICANS GET STUCK IN THEIR THROATS, VAGINAS & RECTUMS IN 2019? (YOU'D BE SURPRISED...)

For a decade or so Barry Petchesky has posted what Americans shoved inside themselves. I followed his posts on Deadspin and looked forward to sharing them here, but this year he posted for Vice.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, and all descriptions are verbatim. 

Things like…

BOBBY PIN: “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”

or

“WAS BEING ARRESTED BY THE POLICE SO SHE TOOK HER CELL PHONE AND HID IT FROM THEM – STUCK IT IN HER VAGINA”

or

“PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”

And the item that was THE most popular in 2019 to stick ANYWHERE? 

A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

Objects are sorted by orifice, working south;

EAR

• 2 WIRELESS EARBUDS

• JEWEL

• “SISTER PUT LONG SLENDER TOY IN PATIENT’S EAR”

• METAL PIECE OF SHIRT

• ROCK SALT

• BERRY

• “PATIENT SAYS SHE HAD WAX IN EAR & ATTEMPTED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS & PIECE OF STRING”

• PAPER IN BOTH EARS

• “PLACED THERMOMETER IN EAR, FELL ON BED”

• JUICE BOX STRAW

• PEARL

• WOOD CHIP

• MICROCHIP

• DECORATIVE SEASHELL

• TOOTH OF COMB

• ZIP TIE

• SLIME

• PLASTIC SPIDER

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

NOSE

• 2 RARE EARTH MAGNETS

• SMALL HEART STICKER

• 2 BUTTON BATTERIES

• BATH BEAD

• CHALK

• “BUG, TRIED TO REMOVE WITH BOBBY PIN, BOBBY PIN NOW STUCK”

• CANDY WRAPPER

• GOOGLY EYE

• MOTHBALL

• SUNFLOWER SEED

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

THROAT

• FIDGET SPINNER

• CONDOM

• “7 NUTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS TREE MOM AND DAD WERE TAKING DOWN”

• LASER POINTER

• TAPE DISPENSER

• DECORATIVE ROCK

• PIECE OF BED

• TROPICAL BREEZE DETERGENT POD

• “SWALLOWED 3 BUTTON BATTERIES LAST PM & THUMBTACK THIS AM B/C ‘THEY TASTE GOOD’”

• FUSE

• CAPSULE THAT EXPANDS INTO A FOAM DINOSAUR

• PLASTIC SWORD

• “SWALLOWED STAMP INK PAD THAT HE RECEIVED AS A PRIZE AT THE DENTIST’S OFFICE”

• CLEANING SOLUTION, RAZOR BLADE COVERED IN TOLIET PAPER, BROKEN PLASTIC SOAP DISH

• STUFFED BIRD

• “ABOUT 10” PUZZLE PIECES

• “HAD NECKLACE IN MOUTH TRYING TO UNTANGLE IT & ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”

• GLASS CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHT

• ICE CREAM CUP LID

• DRILL BIT

• HEARING AID

• KEY

• “SWALLOWED A THUMBTACK THAT SHE THOUGHT WAS A MINT”

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

PENIS

• CRAYONS

• MARKER CAP

• CHOPSTICK

• BALLPOINT PEN

• PIECE OF TOY PLIERS

• LOLLIPOP STICK

• COAXIAL CABLE

• WEDDING RING

• MAGNETS

• SCREWDRIVER

• BOBBY PIN, “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”

VAGINA

• TOOTHBRUSH

• “A METAL AND PLASTIC CONTAINER”

• TAPE

• “WAS BEING ARRESTED BY THE POLICE SO SHE TOOK HER CELL PHONE AND HID IT FROM THEM – STUCK IT IN HER VAGINA”

• PERFUME BOTTLE

• MAKEUP SPONGE

• LARGE PIECE OF UNDERWEAR

• TOY ACTION FIGURE

• RUBBER BALL

• “JUMPED OFF COUCH LANDED ON SPOON”

RECTUM

• “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”

• FOLDING KNIFE

• PLASTIC TOY, “ABOUT 6 INCHES LONG”

• TOOTHPICK

• TOOTHBRUSH

• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

• PLUNGER HANDLE

• MATTRESS FOAM

• TWO RAZOR BLADES

• TWO SMALL VIBRATORS

• TURKEY BASTER

• CONDOM WRAPPER

• COAT HANGER, “PATIENT UNSURE HOW IT GOT THERE”

• GARDEN HOSE CAP

• CIGARETTE LIGHTER

• TOY HOCKEY STICK

• WATER GUN

• BAG OF HEROIN

• COINS

• EGG TIMER

• SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• LARGE SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• LIGHT BULB

• APPLE SAUCE CAN

• “ACCIDENTALLY GOT A DILDO LODGED IN RECTUM & CUT THE END OF THE DILDO OFF”

• “STUCK A 4 INCH BUTT PLUG UP RECTUM YESTERDAY, HANDLE BROKE. HE CONTINUED TO PUSH THE TOY IN”

• “WAS USING PROSTATE MASSAGER & IT GOT ‘SUCKED IN’”’

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

VARIOUS THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR THROATS, PENISES, VAGINAS & RECTUMS THIS YEAR...

Each year, Deadspin, fills us in on reports taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Descriptions are verbatim. And if you ask me, none of those things belong in there.

Some items making the list for the first time are, in the penis;

“FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”

…in the vagina;

“BATON”

…in the rectum;

“CANDLE IN CONDOM”

Objects are sorted by orifice, north to south:

E A R

• NECKLACE
• “PLACED CRAYON IN EAR ON A DARE”
• “WAS BORED AT SCHOOL, PUT PART OF A PEN IN EAR”
• DRAIN PLUG
• MATCH
• END OF A COMB
• “ALWAYS PUTS TOILET PAPER IN EAR WHEN SHOWERING. CAN’T REMOVE”
• FLOAM (?)
• TAPIOCA BALL
• TOY MOUSE
• “POPCORN KERNELS IN BOTH EARS, ‘FEEDS HER EARS BECAUSE HER EARS ARE HUNGRY’”
• LEAF
• TAMPON
• GOOGLY EYE
GLOW STICK
• “PIECE OF GELATINOUS TOY THAT EXPANDS WITH WATER”
• PEARL
• PEARLS
• CAR KEY
• BUG
• “PUT BLEACH ON A Q-TIP TO CLEAN EAR. CHEMICAL BURN”
• “WAS CLEANING EAR WITH Q-TIP, ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO WALL, PUSHED Q-TIP INTO EAR”

N O S E

• RUBBER BAND
• BUTTERFLY
• PAINT
• PINK VITAMIN
• COTTON BALL
• TREE NUT
• “SNEEZED AND A COMPUTER KEYBOARD KEY CAME OUT RT. NOSTRIL, SNEEZED AGAIN & ANOTHER ONE ALMOST CAME OUT”
• GUM
• GUM WRAPPER
• GUM IN WRAPPER
• SEX TOY
• POOL NOODLE
• PIECE OF STEAK

T H R O A T

• BANANA
• PLASTIC TOY BANANA
• “HAD WIFE’S EARRING IN HIS MOUTH AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”
• CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH
• TOY HORN
• SALT FROM SALT LAMP
• MULCH
• “DRINKING COFFEE OUT OF CHIP DIP CONTAINER THAT HAD SOME PLASTIC SEAL IN PLACE & FELT PIECE BREAK OFF WHILE • • • DRINKING. STILL IN THROAT”
• THROAT LOZENGE STILL IN BLISTER PACK
• SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO
• MOOD RING
• STEEL WOOL
• “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE EATING PEANUTS”

P E N I S

• PIPE CLEANER
• STRAW
• DOMINO
• THIN ELECTRIFIED ROD
• “PIECE OF HARD WHITE PLASTIC THAT HE BROKE OFF WHILE WORKING W/ CRAFTS”
• BACK OF REMOTE CONTROL
• METAL PAPER CLIP
• FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS
• TOILET PAPER
• PEN CAP
• 6 TO 7 BB PELLETS
• “PUT SOAP ON ELECTRICAL WIRE, INSERTED WIRE IN PENIS”
• CRACK VIAL
• CRAFTING STRING
• “FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”
• CHAIN
• PIECES OF PLASTIC HANGER
• 3M COMMAND STRIP PLASTIC HOOK

V A G I N A

• SMALL CHILD’S TOY
• BATON
• COLORED PENCIL
• “INSERTED A CRAYON IN VAGINA, CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT CAME OUT”
• MULTIPLE COTTON BALLS
• CAP OF DEODORANT SPRAY
• DOMINO
• PIECES OF A PEN
• GLASS PAPERWEIGHT
• “HAD AN EGG VIBRATOR COME APART IN VAGINA LEAVING PART OF IT AND5 BATTERIES IN THE VAGINAL CANAL”
• ARTIFICIAL FINGERNAIL
• MAKEUP BRUSH
• TOY PLASTIC BANANA
• PENIS RING
• “SLIPPED & FELL ON WET FLOOR AT HOME & ALSO HAS HAD SEX TOY STUCK IN VAGINA FOR 8 MONTHS”

R E C T U M

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT BALL
• BILLIARD BALL
• NAIL FILE
• SHOT GLASS
• “CRACK COCAINE WITH SEX OBJECTS”
• SD CARD
• “JUMPED ON BED – TOOTHBRUSH WAS ON BED AND WENT UP PATIENT’S RECTUM”
• “SAT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND ACCIDENTALLY SAT ON A BALL POINT PEN, PEN LODGES IN RECTUM”
• PLASTIC PENCIL CASE
• MARKER
• GREEN CRAYON
• IPAD STYLUS
• LUBE BOTTLE WITH CAP ON
• LEG OF TELESCOPE
• PLASTIC CIGAR HOLDER
• “PUSHED DRUGS UP RECTUM USING A LIGHTER, WAS ABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DRUGS BAG YET BELIEVE LIGHTER GOT STUCK”
• PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE
• TRAVEL SIZED MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
• SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE
• FULL SIZED SHAMPOO BOTTLE
• FULL SIZED AEROSOL CAN
• GOLF BALL
• TWO GOLF BALLS IN BAG
• “TOOK A SODA BOTTLE WITH FIREBALL WHISKEY VIA HIS RECTUM, STUCK BOTTLE IN RECTUM AND SQUEEZED”
• PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE
• 7 OZ. BEER BOTTLE
• BAR OF SOAP
• CANDLE IN CONDOM
• “SQUIRTED MIXTURE OF BLEACH AND WATER INTO RECTUM WANTING TO PREVENT AIDS”
• LIGHT BULB
• HANDLE OF BROOM
• CELL PHONE
• KEY CHAIN WITH FLASHLIGHT & BATTERY
• “HAS VIBRATOR IN RECTUM AND TRIED TO REMOVE IT WITH SCREWDRIVER AND LACERATED RECTUM; OBJECT IN COLON NOW”
• SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING

(via Deadspin)

ANNUAL LIST OF VARIOUS THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR THROATS, PENISES, VAGINAS & BUTTS

Kids, our year-end tradition continues for the fourth year. Deadspin publishes the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits and they always boggle the mind. There are some perennial faves, but always some new surprises. Like..

“SWALLOWED STAPLES BECAUSE ‘ALIENS TOLD HER TO’”

And the very unsexy,

“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA.”

And, you know, which of us has not been…

“AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUTS A SHOT GLASS UP YOUR RECTUM.”

I know you’ll find some cringe worthy, if not LITERALLY gag-worthy. Sorted by orifice, from north to south:

E A R

• BOBBY PIN

• SMALL RED TOY

• “WAS RUNNING WITH A STICK IN EAR; FELL STRIKING WALL”

• BREAD

• BATTERY

• “FELL ASLEEP WITH A PENCIL POKED IN HIS RIGHT EAR, PENCIL LEAD IN EAR CANAL”

• BROOM STRAW

• SLIM METAL ROD

• “STUFFED PAPER TOWEL IN EARS TO ACT AS EAR PLUGS BECAUSE ROOMMATE WAS SNORING, UNABLE TO GET IT OUT OF EAR”

• PUTTY

• A BEAN

• “GASOLINE IN LEFT EAR WHILE CHANGING FUEL FILTER”

• PENCIL SHAVINGS

• STEM OF A PLASTIC FLOWER

• RAIN WATER

• TWO STICKERS STUCK TOGETHER

• “GOOGLY EYE INSIDE HIS RIGHT EAR, AND ANOTHER THROUGH NOSE”

N O S E

• CANDY WRAPPER

• FUZZY ARTS AND CRAFTS BALL

• “SHOVED PLASTIC TOY UP IN BOTH NOSTRILS”

• GUM

• PINK BALLOON

• WAD OF HAIR

• “HOLDING A BOX OF JUICY JUICE AND THE STRAW WENT UP NOSTRIL”

• HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE PENDANT

• “PLAYING WITH A DIME ABOVE HEAD AND LOOKED UP WITH COIN FALLING INTO NOSE”

• “STUCK HAIRPIN INTO NOSTRIL TRYING TO CLEAR BLOOD CLOT FROM NOSEBLEED”

• FISHTANK GRAVEL

• FISHING LURE

• BABY BOTTLE NIPPLE

• ONE MAGNET IN EACH NOSTRIL

T H R O A T

• OPEN SAFETY PIN

• CIGARETTE

• “A COUPLE PIECES OF DECORATIVE GLASS FROM A VASE”

• DIARY KEY

• EASTER EGG

• “SWALLOWED STAPLES BECAUSE ‘ALIENS TOLD HER TO’”

• AQUARIUM THERMOMETER

• “SWALLOWED EARRING IN HER SLEEP THAT WAS IN MOUTH WHENSHE FELL ASLEEP”

• SEWING NEEDLE

• “SWALLOWED A PEN BECAUSE NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO HIM”

• ANGEL’S TRUMPET SEED PODS

• GRITS

• “A GOLDEN SHINY PENNY”

• “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A QUARTER”

• GROW CAPSULE

• CONFETTI

• “FOUND AFTER SWALLOWING 1/2 PACK OF GUM IN ROOM AT HOME, EMPTY WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE”

• HOT SAUCE PACKET

• “INJURED AFTER EATING CHARGING END OF CELL PHONE”

• EARWIG

• “SWALLOWED 3 PLASTIC PUSH-PINS IN A DARE AT SCHOOL, WON $15″

P E N I S

• A LITTLE SCREW

• A SHARP TOY

• FOUR INCH LONG METAL SEX TOY

• PLASTIC SPOON

• PIECE OF DOMINO

• PIECE OF PLASTIC SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• “PUT PAPERCLIP THROUGH URETHRA AND PUNCTURED THROUGH THE SHAFT OF PENIS”

• COAXIAL CABLE

V A G I N A

• SCENTED SOAP

• DEODORANT LID

• “WAS CLEANING SELF IN SHOWER WHEN FOUND A TAMPON IN VAGINA. CONCERNED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER TAMPON IN VAGINA”

• BOTTLECAP

• PENIS RING WITH SPIKES ON IT

• A PIECE OF RUSTY METAL

• SILICON BALLS. PATIENT STATES IS FOR “YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LEAVES TOWN”

• A BALL

• BIKE REFLECTOR

• “ON PERIOD, INSERTED NON-BIRTH CONTROL SPONGE IN VAGINA SO SHE COULD SWIM”

• HEADPHONES

• HOT TOWEL

• “WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”

• CLAY

• CANDLESTICK

• LOLLIPOP

• “USING MASSAGING URETHRAL VAGINAL STONE BALLS & THE STRING HOLDING 15 BALLS TOGETHER DISSOLVED, CAN ONLY FIND 14 BALLS”

• TOY MAGIC WAND

R E C T U M

• GOLF BALL

• PEANUT BUTTER JAR

• SPRAY BOTTLE

• CURTAIN ROD

• “STUCK A TOY UP HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”

• TOOTHBRUSH

• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

• FLOSS CONTAINER

• MOUTHWASH BOTTLE

• “AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”

• SMALL WOODEN KNICK-KNACK

• SCREWDRIVER

• PLASTIC FORK

• TOY MISSILE

• PLASTIC VIBRATING DILDO, CAN NOT TURN OFF

• “ATTEMPTED TO DISLODGE A DILDO FROM HIS ANUS USING A LETTER OPENER”

• CIGAR TUBE TO RELIEVE HEMORRHOIDS 

• “FEELING LONELY, USED A MASCARA CONTAINER IN PLASTIC BAG, PUT IN RECTUM”

• TIN CUP

• HAIR BRUSH

• “WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”

• MARBLES

• A LARGE BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO

• “SAT IN BATHTUB AND FELT SOMETHING GO INTO HER ANUS”

• CAT FOOD CAN

• BAG OF ORAL TOBACCO

• “WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”

• 3 AA BATTERIES

• 2 AAA BATTERIES

• D BATTERY

• “PATIENT SAID I HAVE A COIN IN MY ASS FROM A MONTH AGO”

(via Deadspin)

SOME THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR VARIOUS THROATS, VAGINAS & RECTUMS THIS YEAR

I have a confession. I don’t make a habit of insert foreign objects into various orifices but then again, I don’t do crystal meth. Deadspin does make a year-end habit of compiling a listfrom the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Take a look and see what YOU think is the most bizarre. I’d have to say the potpourri in the ear, the snorkel in someone’s vagina, and the life-of-the-party dude who was

“entertaining guests by inserting the wooden leg of a chair into his rectum.” 

But there are many other odd things to choose from. Here’s the list of objects, sorted by orifice, working south...

E A R

* SAFETY RAZOR
* MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”
* FINGER RING
* PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL
* “PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”
* TOY CELL PHONE
* “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”
* SEASHELL
* BEAN
* PIECE OF STRING
* “PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”
* PIECE OF SOAP
* RUBBER BAND
* “LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”
* FISH HOOK
* “SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”
* TOY STICKY HAND
* POTPOURRI
* PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT
* “HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”
* GRASS
* GASOLINE
* ROSARY BEAD
* KNITTING NEEDLE
* “PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”
* LEGO
* PIECE OF CHOPSTICK
* “12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”
* PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE
* A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME

N O S E

* TIN FOIL
* ORANGE POM-POM
* CANDLE WAX
* “WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
* HAIR TIE
* DOLL’S SHOE
* HALLOWEEN DECORATION
* “WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”
* PILLOW STUFFING
* SPONGE
* SCREW
* TOY CAR WHEEL
* PEANUT
* “WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”
* MOLDING CLAY
* PEBBLE
* CHAPSTICK
* STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER
* WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD

T H R O A T

BROOM
* MARSHMALLOW
* LIGHTER
* “WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”
* GOLD TOOTH
* CONFETTI
* “A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”
* TAPE
* PERFUME BOTTLE CAP
* CANDY WRAPPER
* “PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
* “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”
* PIECE OF A CD
* PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE
* KEY CHAIN
* BALLOON OF MARIJUANA
* “ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”
* PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS
* WIG
* TOILET PAPER HOLDER
* 2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,
* BULLET
* “DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE. BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”

P E N I S

* HALF A PENCIL
* PENCIL ERASER
* PEN CAP
* PEN
* MARBLE
* COAT HANGER
* “PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH
ON CRYSTAL METH”
* PLASTIC TUBING
* SCREWDRIVER
* MAGNETS

V A G I N A

* MAKEUP BRUSH
* FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS
* CELL PHONE
* HUSBAND’S PENIS RING
* PERFUME BOTTLE
* TWO TAMPONS
* TOY PLASTIC SPOON
* MAKEUP SPONGE
* GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”
* A JINGLE BELL
* PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER
* WET WASHCLOTH
* EARRINGS
* VIAL OF FENTANYL
* TOY TEAPOT
* SNORKEL

R E C T U M

* “THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”
* TOY BABY BOTTLE
* GLASS BOTTLE
* “THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”
* “CRAYONS AND COINS”
* DICE
* HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER
* TOILET BRUSH
* “7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT * PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”
* SALT SHAKER
* SMALL TOY
* LARGE TOY
* PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY
* “CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”
* SCREWDRIVER
* WATER GUN
* BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG
* BOBBY PIN
* LARGE ELASTIC STRING
* “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”
* MARKER IN A GLOVE
* “HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”
* FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN
* SHAMPOO BOTTLE
* CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE
* HOMEMADE DILDO
* TOY SHARK
* “WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”
* EGG

It goes without saying, don’t try ANY of this foolishness in the coming year, unless of course you like making the list for 2016…

(via Deadspin)

VARIOUS THINGS WE GOT STUCK OUR COLLECTIVE VAGINAS, PENISES AND BUTTS THIS YEAR

Deadspin has a charming, informative holiday tradition I’m subscribing to this year; their annual trawl of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission‘s database of emergency room visits to discover the most awkward objects that America shoved into its various holes. Oh, it’s hurts to even read the list. 

PENIS
• RUBBER TUBE
• “PLASTIC SPOON AND PERHAPS A PENCIL”
• CROCHET NEEDLE
• “STUCK A NAIL IN URETHRA THEN IT MIGRATED UP INTO THE BLADDER”
• WOOL YARN
• LONG PLASTIC HAND OF STIRRING SPOON
• “INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE”

VAGINA
• PLASTIC HANDLE OF SCISSORS
• KNITTING NEEDLES
• PEN
• “A LARGE AMOUNT OF SAND”
• HAIR TIE
• BAG OF CRYSTAL METH
• 10″ STEAK KNIFE
• RAZOR
• SPONGE
• “ONE BATTERY AND THREE COINS”
• BATHTUB STOPPER
• “PUT A BAG OF MONEY IN VAGINA TO HIDE IT FROM HUSBAND”
• BILLIARD BALL
• “ORGASM BALLS”

RECTUM
• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
• PIPE
• KEYS
• ACORN
• SHOT GLASS
• DRUM STICK
• ICE PICK
• UNSHARPENED PENCIL
• “HAD ANAL SEX & HAS BRUISING, BLOOD ON TOILET PAPER, TOOK CRYSTAL METH TO HELP PAIN”
• CANDLE
• AIR FRESHENER
• CAN OF SPRAY PAINT
• SHAVING CREAM CAN
• SHAMPOO BOTTLE
• LOTION BOTTLE
• SODA CAN
• “BEER BOTTLE UP RECTUM & BOTTLE BROKE WHEN TRIED TO RETRIEVE BOTTLE W/ PLIERS. COCAINE USE PRIOR TO INSERTION”
• TURKEY BASTER
• PHONE CORD
• GOLF BALL
• METAL TOILET PAPER HOLDER
• TENT STAKES
• “ROLLED UP STACK OF PLASTIC TRASH BAGS”
• CHRISTMAS BELL
• LOG

Insert joke here –and here –and here. (via Deadspin)