#JESUSCHRIST!: HOW ABOUT A HIPSTER NATIVITY SCENE? –ONLY $129!

OMG, a Hipster Nativity? I know. Eye roll. Three wisemen on Segways bearing gifts from Amazon!? Gluten-free feed for 100% organic cows and a sweater-wearing sheep. And Mary with a Starbucks next making a duck face for her selfie being shot by Joseph (no doubt on an iPhone 7) It’s all very, very 2016… and awful. (And kinda perfect.) And it’s ONLY $129.99!?

(T/Y Randy; via Dangerous Minds)

26 ABSOLUTELY HORRIBLE BOOK COVERS ON AMAZON

These are all SO bad that is doesn’t even seem worth ANY kind of commentary… but I have to say this much: computers ruined design –or at least they made bad design horrific. As a former art director and someone who has taught design as well, the fact that it is possible for people with negative design skills to create what you see here is scary. Before computers, you really had to rely on a designer to create a book cover. People, like Chip Kidd got (deservedly) famous, conceptualizing typography, illustration and photography and raising the level of book cover design to a true art form. Now, as you can see ANYONE can and apparently does create book covers. But the two positive things I can tell about design this bad, it DOES warn you that what’s inside is very likely the literary equivalent. The other plus? They really ARE hilarious.

MEET DR. CHUCK TINGLE, AUTHOR OF "POUNDED BY PRESIDENT BIGFOOT"

Erotic fiction has supposedly never been hotter, these days. But, if you want something a bit less mass than 50 Shades of Grey, meet Dr. Chuck Tingle, the prolific author that has eleven stories (not books) listed on Amazon, including, My Billionaire Triceratops Craves Gay Assand Bigfoot Sommelier Butt Tasting. Here’s a summary of:

POUNDED BY PRESIDENT BIGFOOT
By Chuck Tingle

Allen has been interested in politics his entire life, but when things don’t work out the way he’d planned, Allen settles for a fast paced carrier in political journalism. 

It’s no surprise that Allen jumps at the chance to interview President Yuldok, a bigfoot, as well as the first non-human president of the United States. Allen also has his suspicions about the president’s sexuality, which come to a head during the interview. 

Soon enough, Allen is making history by taking a gay pounding in the oval office from the first bigfoot president! 

This erotic tale is 4,300 words of sizzling human on gay bigfoot action, including anal, blowjobs, double penetration, rough sex, and presidential beast love.

Nobody seems to knows who Mr. Tingle actually is — he claims to be both a “Tae Kwan Do grandmaster” and have a “PhD from DeVry University in holistic massage.” Besides that, and a book review from Buzzfeed, Mr. Tingle has not given any interviews or anything else in regards to his personal life. The New York Observer got in touch with Mr. Tingle and got a glimpse of the man via e-mail. Here’s a sample of the exchange:

NYO: You’ve invented and coined the term “tingler.” Can you describe the perfect tingler?
CT: The perfect tingler is about a dad hanging out and nothing bad happens. ted moves away and everyone on the whole block celebrates because its quiet now and we all have game night like on the 4th of July. Jon stays home instead of going to work and we go to starbucks, then all of my books turn into big time hollywood movies starring Taylor Swift. thank you.

NYO: How much of yourself can the reader see in the narrator? In Keith, the jet plane?
CT: Keith is kind of a cool guy, so I wish i could be like that but not really. kinda slick and knows how to hang loose. I guess i see a little of myself in my books because it’s what I want to happen, not the kissing stuff but all the fun beforehand. As a doctor I can’t really talk about the kissing stuff. thanks.

OK. Not sure if Dr. Tingler’s erotic fiction is right for you? How about an Amazon review from J. Myrna RottenRomance?:

I would have assumed that Mr. Tingle’s DeVry PhD education would have taught him some history. Mr. Tingle’s Bigfoot character asserts: “Did you know that not only am I the first non-human president, but I’m also the first president to never have a first lady?” Mr. Tingle, have you never heard of James Buchanan? No, he wasn’t inhuman (I don’t think). He was, however, unmarried. Tsk, tsk.

This glaring historical oversight is not the only problem with this story, though. As before, I find myself disappointed in the atrocious editing. Or lack of editing, as the case may be. Spelling and grammar are woefully bad.

But even that isn’t as bad as Allen’s preoccupation with his gay… everything. His “hairy, gay president.” He’s a “filthy gay human.” He has “big gay doe eyes.” His “gay (buttocks).” The president’s “deviant gay desires.” His “gay (anus).” I’m pretty sure that when someone is gay, the rest of them is gay, too. We really don’t need an additional gay qualifier?

Doesn’t sound that great does it? But maybe Myrna was taking it a bit seriously. Others like seem to like him. A quickie review of Gay T-Rex Law Firm: Executive Boner:

“Hot Prehistoric Jizz” – All you need to know. A must-buy.

$2.99 for a 4300 word short story seems a bit pricey (when Xtube is free) but then again, a Starbuck’s is more, so maybe not. I have an iPad, not a Kindle so that seals the deal. If I did have access, I might be able to forgive dumb frat humor, historical inaccuracy and even bad grammar – but spelling errors, no that’s a bridge too far Dr. Tingle. I make mistakes (if you read me, you know. Sorry.) but I have an excuse, I don’t have an editor but at $2.99 a pop, you don’t have an excuse.