WHAT DID AMERICANS GET STUCK IN THEIR THROATS, VAGINAS & RECTUMS IN 2019? (YOU'D BE SURPRISED...)

For a decade or so Barry Petchesky has posted what Americans shoved inside themselves. I followed his posts on Deadspin and looked forward to sharing them here, but this year he posted for Vice.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits, and all descriptions are verbatim. 

Things like…

BOBBY PIN: “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”

or

“WAS BEING ARRESTED BY THE POLICE SO SHE TOOK HER CELL PHONE AND HID IT FROM THEM – STUCK IT IN HER VAGINA”

or

“PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”

And the item that was THE most popular in 2019 to stick ANYWHERE? 

A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

Objects are sorted by orifice, working south;

EAR

• 2 WIRELESS EARBUDS

• JEWEL

• “SISTER PUT LONG SLENDER TOY IN PATIENT’S EAR”

• METAL PIECE OF SHIRT

• ROCK SALT

• BERRY

• “PATIENT SAYS SHE HAD WAX IN EAR & ATTEMPTED TO REMOVE WITH TWEEZERS & PIECE OF STRING”

• PAPER IN BOTH EARS

• “PLACED THERMOMETER IN EAR, FELL ON BED”

• JUICE BOX STRAW

• PEARL

• WOOD CHIP

• MICROCHIP

• DECORATIVE SEASHELL

• TOOTH OF COMB

• ZIP TIE

• SLIME

• PLASTIC SPIDER

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

NOSE

• 2 RARE EARTH MAGNETS

• SMALL HEART STICKER

• 2 BUTTON BATTERIES

• BATH BEAD

• CHALK

• “BUG, TRIED TO REMOVE WITH BOBBY PIN, BOBBY PIN NOW STUCK”

• CANDY WRAPPER

• GOOGLY EYE

• MOTHBALL

• SUNFLOWER SEED

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

THROAT

• FIDGET SPINNER

• CONDOM

• “7 NUTS FROM THE CHRISTMAS TREE MOM AND DAD WERE TAKING DOWN”

• LASER POINTER

• TAPE DISPENSER

• DECORATIVE ROCK

• PIECE OF BED

• TROPICAL BREEZE DETERGENT POD

• “SWALLOWED 3 BUTTON BATTERIES LAST PM & THUMBTACK THIS AM B/C ‘THEY TASTE GOOD’”

• FUSE

• CAPSULE THAT EXPANDS INTO A FOAM DINOSAUR

• PLASTIC SWORD

• “SWALLOWED STAMP INK PAD THAT HE RECEIVED AS A PRIZE AT THE DENTIST’S OFFICE”

• CLEANING SOLUTION, RAZOR BLADE COVERED IN TOLIET PAPER, BROKEN PLASTIC SOAP DISH

• STUFFED BIRD

• “ABOUT 10” PUZZLE PIECES

• “HAD NECKLACE IN MOUTH TRYING TO UNTANGLE IT & ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”

• GLASS CHRISTMAS TREE LIGHT

• ICE CREAM CUP LID

• DRILL BIT

• HEARING AID

• KEY

• “SWALLOWED A THUMBTACK THAT SHE THOUGHT WAS A MINT”

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

PENIS

• CRAYONS

• MARKER CAP

• CHOPSTICK

• BALLPOINT PEN

• PIECE OF TOY PLIERS

• LOLLIPOP STICK

• COAXIAL CABLE

• WEDDING RING

• MAGNETS

• SCREWDRIVER

• BOBBY PIN, “UNABLE TO ACHIEVE ERECTION & THOUGHT IT WOULD HELP”

VAGINA

• TOOTHBRUSH

• “A METAL AND PLASTIC CONTAINER”

• TAPE

• “WAS BEING ARRESTED BY THE POLICE SO SHE TOOK HER CELL PHONE AND HID IT FROM THEM – STUCK IT IN HER VAGINA”

• PERFUME BOTTLE

• MAKEUP SPONGE

• LARGE PIECE OF UNDERWEAR

• TOY ACTION FIGURE

• RUBBER BALL

• “JUMPED OFF COUCH LANDED ON SPOON”

RECTUM

• “PATIENT STATES HE STATES SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND LANDED ON A METAL AIR FRESHENER CAN AND IT WENT INTO RECTUM”

• FOLDING KNIFE

• PLASTIC TOY, “ABOUT 6 INCHES LONG”

• TOOTHPICK

• TOOTHBRUSH

• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

• PLUNGER HANDLE

• MATTRESS FOAM

• TWO RAZOR BLADES

• TWO SMALL VIBRATORS

• TURKEY BASTER

• CONDOM WRAPPER

• COAT HANGER, “PATIENT UNSURE HOW IT GOT THERE”

• GARDEN HOSE CAP

• CIGARETTE LIGHTER

• TOY HOCKEY STICK

• WATER GUN

• BAG OF HEROIN

• COINS

• EGG TIMER

• SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• LARGE SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• LIGHT BULB

• APPLE SAUCE CAN

• “ACCIDENTALLY GOT A DILDO LODGED IN RECTUM & CUT THE END OF THE DILDO OFF”

• “STUCK A 4 INCH BUTT PLUG UP RECTUM YESTERDAY, HANDLE BROKE. HE CONTINUED TO PUSH THE TOY IN”

• “WAS USING PROSTATE MASSAGER & IT GOT ‘SUCKED IN’”’

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT

ARTIST DAVID HUGGINS PAINTS THE SEX HE'S HAD WITH ALIENS, “I Lost My Virginity to a Female Extraterrestrial”

Artist David Huggins says the first time he had sex was really out of this world. The 74-year-old says in a new documentary about him called Love and Saucers.

“When I was 17, I lost my virginity to a female extraterrestrial. That’s all I can say about it.”

The “doing it” with the ET in question went down in ’61, when Huggins was a teenager living with his parents’ on a farm in rural Georgia. As he was walking through woods near his house, an alien woman appeared and seduced him. 

“I thought, if anything, I’d be losing it in the backseat of a Ford—something like that. But it didn’t work out that way.”

These visits from extraterrestrials, and his sexual relationship with them, continued into adulthood.

“I was sitting down in a chair, and the woman, Crescent, was behind me, and she put her arms around me. And that’s about it. I don’t know anything else outside of that.”

When strange beings that no one else could see started appearing to him around the farm, he thought he was losing his mind.

“I am sitting under a tree, and I hear this voice say, ‘David, behind you.’ And I turned around and there is this little hairy guy with large glowing eyes coming straight towards me. I thought it was the bogeyman. I didn’t know what to think of it.” 

Vice says, that at its core, 

“Love and Saucers is a film about belief. The first half is Huggins telling his own story, but the second half is interviews with his friends and neighbors. Some of them weren’t aware of Huggins’s encounters beforehand. But they all believe him.”

Huggins says, 

“I have a feeling that tens of millions of people, perhaps hundreds of millions, have had [similar] experiences. Mainly as children. That’s all I can really say, but I think as children we are so open to things, that these beings can appear to us. I know I never closed up on it, because it has continued through my whole life.”

Honestly, the only thing that gives me pause here, is that Huggins belief system seems to be challenged when he insists he had sex with a female extraterrestrial. If we are to believe there are aliens, would they be so binary? But, hey, to each his own.

As I write this, I swear, Sly and the Family Stone are singing Everyday People in the background,

“There is a yellow one that won’t accept the black one
That won’t accept the red one that won’t accept the white one
And different strokes for different folks
And so on and so on and scooby dooby doo
I am everyday people.”

(Photos, courtesy Brad Abrahams; via Vice)