SOME THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR VARIOUS THROATS, VAGINAS & RECTUMS THIS YEAR

I have a confession. I don’t make a habit of insert foreign objects into various orifices but then again, I don’t do crystal meth. Deadspin does make a year-end habit of compiling a listfrom the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Take a look and see what YOU think is the most bizarre. I’d have to say the potpourri in the ear, the snorkel in someone’s vagina, and the life-of-the-party dude who was

“entertaining guests by inserting the wooden leg of a chair into his rectum.” 

But there are many other odd things to choose from. Here’s the list of objects, sorted by orifice, working south...

E A R

* SAFETY RAZOR
* MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”
* FINGER RING
* PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL
* “PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”
* TOY CELL PHONE
* “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”
* SEASHELL
* BEAN
* PIECE OF STRING
* “PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”
* PIECE OF SOAP
* RUBBER BAND
* “LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”
* FISH HOOK
* “SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”
* TOY STICKY HAND
* POTPOURRI
* PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT
* “HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”
* GRASS
* GASOLINE
* ROSARY BEAD
* KNITTING NEEDLE
* “PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”
* LEGO
* PIECE OF CHOPSTICK
* “12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”
* PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE
* A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME

N O S E

* TIN FOIL
* ORANGE POM-POM
* CANDLE WAX
* “WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
* HAIR TIE
* DOLL’S SHOE
* HALLOWEEN DECORATION
* “WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”
* PILLOW STUFFING
* SPONGE
* SCREW
* TOY CAR WHEEL
* PEANUT
* “WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”
* MOLDING CLAY
* PEBBLE
* CHAPSTICK
* STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER
* WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD

T H R O A T

BROOM
* MARSHMALLOW
* LIGHTER
* “WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”
* GOLD TOOTH
* CONFETTI
* “A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”
* TAPE
* PERFUME BOTTLE CAP
* CANDY WRAPPER
* “PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
* “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”
* PIECE OF A CD
* PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE
* KEY CHAIN
* BALLOON OF MARIJUANA
* “ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”
* PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS
* WIG
* TOILET PAPER HOLDER
* 2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,
* BULLET
* “DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE. BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”

P E N I S

* HALF A PENCIL
* PENCIL ERASER
* PEN CAP
* PEN
* MARBLE
* COAT HANGER
* “PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH
ON CRYSTAL METH”
* PLASTIC TUBING
* SCREWDRIVER
* MAGNETS

V A G I N A

* MAKEUP BRUSH
* FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS
* CELL PHONE
* HUSBAND’S PENIS RING
* PERFUME BOTTLE
* TWO TAMPONS
* TOY PLASTIC SPOON
* MAKEUP SPONGE
* GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”
* A JINGLE BELL
* PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER
* WET WASHCLOTH
* EARRINGS
* VIAL OF FENTANYL
* TOY TEAPOT
* SNORKEL

R E C T U M

* “THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”
* TOY BABY BOTTLE
* GLASS BOTTLE
* “THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”
* “CRAYONS AND COINS”
* DICE
* HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER
* TOILET BRUSH
* “7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT * PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”
* SALT SHAKER
* SMALL TOY
* LARGE TOY
* PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY
* “CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”
* SCREWDRIVER
* WATER GUN
* BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG
* BOBBY PIN
* LARGE ELASTIC STRING
* “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”
* MARKER IN A GLOVE
* “HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”
* FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN
* SHAMPOO BOTTLE
* CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE
* HOMEMADE DILDO
* TOY SHARK
* “WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”
* EGG

It goes without saying, don’t try ANY of this foolishness in the coming year, unless of course you like making the list for 2016…

(via Deadspin)