AS USUAL, PEOPLE GOT VARIOUS THINGS STUCK IN THEIR ORIFICES (Bullet, Rock, Nail Cat Toy, Baby Shoe…)

ERs across the country are busy with more life-threatening matters which are NO JOKE. The US had the deadliest day since the pandemic began yesterday with 3700+ deaths.

But I repost Defector’s list every year and we need distractions from this ongoing nightmare. And this list is as crazy as ever. One the most puzzling…

“HAS HAD A MARBLE IN HIS PENIS FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS AND DECIDED HE NEEDS IT REMOVED”

Reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. All descriptions are verbatim.

Objects are sorted by orifice, north to south. So, here goes…

EAR

• COFFEE GROUNDS

• RUBBER BANDS

• SEVERAL HAIR BANDS

• “PATIENT’S SIBLINGS PUT A PIECE OF PAPER IN PATIENT’S RIGHT EAR TRYING TO SHOW HIM A MAGIC TRICK”

• LOLLIPOP

• TOY SWORD

• “TAKES SHOWER WITH EARPLUGS IN EARS IN ATTEMPT TO PREVENT WATER FROM GOING IN & NOW EARPLUG IS STUCK IN LEFT EAR”

• BOBBY PIN

• HAIRPIN

• HAIR TRIMMER ATTACHMENT

• “FOUND A BEAD AND PLACED IT IN HIS EAR SO HE WOULDN’T LOSE IT”

• TOY DINOSAUR

• TWEEZERS

• FIBERGLASS

• “CAR WAS REAR-ENDED AND HE HIT HIS HEAD ON THE BACK OF THE FRONT SEAT, C/O HEADACHES SINCE, ALSO PUT A PIECE OF PAPER IN HIS RIGHT EAR 1 MONTH AGO”

• TOOTH

• COMB TOOTH

• DOG TOOTH

• “WAS SLEEPING WHEN HER 4 YO CHILD BROKE WOODEN TIP OF A PAINT BRUSH AND PUT IT IN HER EAR”

• PEN CAP

• MARKER TIP

• NAIL

• “WAS EXPERIENCING PAIN IN EAR SO ROLLED UP PIECES OF PAPER TO PUT INSIDE IT. CHANGED THEM OUT A FEW TIMES WHEN THE LAST ONE BECAME STUCK IN EAR”

• PEARL

• PIECE OF WICKER CLOTHES HAMPER

• “PUT A CRAYON IN EACH EAR IN SCHOOL. CRAYON REMOVED FROM RIGHT EAR BUT NOT FROM LEFT”

• NECKLACE

• BRACELET

• RECEIPT

• CLAY

• “HAD EARBUDS IN HIS EARS UNDER HIS SNOWMOBILE HELMET HIT A WATER BAR AND HIS HELMET PUSHED HIS EAR BUDS DEEP INTO HIS EAR”

• PLASTIC MAGIC WAND

• CANDLE WAX

• BLUE SLIME

• “PLACED BBS IN EAR BUDS AND FORGOT THERE WERE IN THERE. STUCK THE EAR BUDS ON AND NOW HAS 2 BBS LODGED IN EAR”

• SODA CAN TAB

• PLASTIC SPOON

• “FELT LIKE SOMETHING THERE. BURNING SENSATION, FLUSHED THE EAR AND A WORM FLUSHED OUT”

• AIRSOFT PELLET, PIECE OF PURPLE CRAYON, SMALL ROCK (ALL SAME PATIENT)

NOSE

• EARPLUG

• CONFETTI

• BALLOON

• CANDY WRAPPER

• FAKE DIAMOND

• FLOWER

• SUNFLOWER SEED

• TOY CAR TIRE

• TOY LIZARD TAIL

• STEEL NUT

• QUITE A BIT OF TISSUE PAPER

• MINI FLASHLIGHT

• MINI BOWLING PIN

• SPONGE

• TOY CARROT

• BREAD

• POM POM

• GOOGLY EYE

• SISTER’S HAIR

• 2 BATTERIES

• PEANUT

THROAT

• DISPOSABLE STRAW

• METAL STRAW

• PLASTIC FORK

• PLASTIC CUP

• PLASTIC JAIL WRISTBAND

• CAT TOY

• BIB

• PIECE OF SOCK

• “A BEE OR A WASP”

• SMALL POOL BALL

• HONEY

• TIP OF KNIFE

• METAL PIPE

• SEWING NEEDLE

• ELECTRICAL TAPE

• THERMOMETER

• GLOW STICK

• SMALL AMERICAN FLAG

PENIS

• COCK PLUG

• TONGUE RING

• BALLOON

• STRING OF MAGNETIC BEADS

• “PLAYING WITH PHONE AND FELL ASLEEP WHEN HE WOKE UP HIS STYLUS WAS IN HIS URETHA. INJURY OCCURRED 4 DAYS AGO AND DIDN’T SEEK TREATMENT”

• PEN

• PENCIL

• PAINTBRUSH

• “METAL SCREW IN HIS URETHRA TO CAUSE AN ERECTION”

• WIRE HANGER

• LANYARD

• “HAS HAD A MARBLE IN HIS PENIS FOR THE PAST 4 YEARS AND DECIDED HE NEEDS IT REMOVED”

• GLUE

VAGINA

• SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• BATTERY

• PILL BOTTLE

• SMALL VIBRATOR

• LARGE VIBRATOR

• PAPER CLIPS

• “PATIENT WAS INTOXICATED 4 MONTHS AGO PLACED A CRUMBLE OF TIN FOIL INSIDE VAGINA”

• FILM CANISTER

• PART OF SLINKY

• EYEBROW PENCIL

• SCREW

• PEN

• 3 BAGS OF METH

• BULLET

• ROCK

• BATH BOMB

• BABY SHOE

RECTUM

• BOUNCY BALL

• MULTIPLE MARBLES

• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

• CRAYON

• “PUT A PENCIL UP RECTUM AND NOW NOT ABLE TO SIT”

• NAIL POLISH BOTTLE

• SHAVING GEL BOTTLE

• AEROSOL CONTAINER

• “PATIENT REPORTS INSERTING A DEODORANT SPRAY CAN INSIDE HIS RECTUM LAST NIGHT AS HE WAS CONSTIPATED”

• “SHAMPOO BOTTLE IN HIS RECTUM THAT HE PLACED THERE BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”

• SMALL FOAM FOOTBALL

• STICK

• SCREWDRIVER IN ANUS, HANDLE FELL OFF

• “WAS INTOXICATED & IS UNCERTAIN IF SHE USED HER ANAL BEADS OR NOT, CANT FIND THEM @ HOME […] NONE FOUND IN ER EXAM”

• PIPE

• VIBRATOR RING

• “VIBRATOR STRUCK IN RECTUM. VIBRATOR IS STILL ON.”

• 5 INCH DILDO

• 6 INCH DILDO

• 7 INCH DILDO

• 10 INCH DILDO

• APPLE

• TOY SHARK

• PLASTIC TURTLE

• CAT TOY BELL

• BASEBALL

• NEWSPAPER

• COLOGNE BOTTLE

• BABY OIL BOTTLE

• HAND LOTION BOTTLE

• “WAS SQUATTING IN THE SHOWER WHEN HE GOT A SMALL BOTTLE STUCK IN HIS RECTUM”

• REMOTE CONTROL

• FORK

• WATER BOTTLE

• “3 WEEKS AGO HE WAS DRUNK AND PUT A LIGHT BULB UP HIS RECTUM.”

• POOPAROOS TOY

• WEEBLE WOBBLE TOY

• WRITING PEN AND BOTTLE CAP

• FOAM DART

• 6 MAGIC MARKERS

• CHRISTMAS LIGHTS

• “PUT DILDO INTO RECTUM 2 DAYS AGO & WAS PERFORMING DAILY ACTIVITIES WITH IT IN PLACE. WHEN RIDING LAWN MOWER THE DILDO SLID INSIDE RECTUM COMPLETELY”

(via Defector)

SOME THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR VARIOUS THROATS, VAGINAS & RECTUMS THIS YEAR

I have a confession. I don’t make a habit of insert foreign objects into various orifices but then again, I don’t do crystal meth. Deadspin does make a year-end habit of compiling a listfrom the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Take a look and see what YOU think is the most bizarre. I’d have to say the potpourri in the ear, the snorkel in someone’s vagina, and the life-of-the-party dude who was

“entertaining guests by inserting the wooden leg of a chair into his rectum.” 

But there are many other odd things to choose from. Here’s the list of objects, sorted by orifice, working south...

E A R

* SAFETY RAZOR
* MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”
* FINGER RING
* PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL
* “PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”
* TOY CELL PHONE
* “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”
* SEASHELL
* BEAN
* PIECE OF STRING
* “PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”
* PIECE OF SOAP
* RUBBER BAND
* “LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”
* FISH HOOK
* “SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”
* TOY STICKY HAND
* POTPOURRI
* PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT
* “HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”
* GRASS
* GASOLINE
* ROSARY BEAD
* KNITTING NEEDLE
* “PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”
* LEGO
* PIECE OF CHOPSTICK
* “12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”
* PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE
* A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME

N O S E

* TIN FOIL
* ORANGE POM-POM
* CANDLE WAX
* “WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
* HAIR TIE
* DOLL’S SHOE
* HALLOWEEN DECORATION
* “WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”
* PILLOW STUFFING
* SPONGE
* SCREW
* TOY CAR WHEEL
* PEANUT
* “WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”
* MOLDING CLAY
* PEBBLE
* CHAPSTICK
* STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER
* WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD

T H R O A T

BROOM
* MARSHMALLOW
* LIGHTER
* “WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”
* GOLD TOOTH
* CONFETTI
* “A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”
* TAPE
* PERFUME BOTTLE CAP
* CANDY WRAPPER
* “PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
* “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”
* PIECE OF A CD
* PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE
* KEY CHAIN
* BALLOON OF MARIJUANA
* “ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”
* PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS
* WIG
* TOILET PAPER HOLDER
* 2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,
* BULLET
* “DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE. BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”

P E N I S

* HALF A PENCIL
* PENCIL ERASER
* PEN CAP
* PEN
* MARBLE
* COAT HANGER
* “PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH
ON CRYSTAL METH”
* PLASTIC TUBING
* SCREWDRIVER
* MAGNETS

V A G I N A

* MAKEUP BRUSH
* FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS
* CELL PHONE
* HUSBAND’S PENIS RING
* PERFUME BOTTLE
* TWO TAMPONS
* TOY PLASTIC SPOON
* MAKEUP SPONGE
* GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”
* A JINGLE BELL
* PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER
* WET WASHCLOTH
* EARRINGS
* VIAL OF FENTANYL
* TOY TEAPOT
* SNORKEL

R E C T U M

* “THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”
* TOY BABY BOTTLE
* GLASS BOTTLE
* “THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”
* “CRAYONS AND COINS”
* DICE
* HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER
* TOILET BRUSH
* “7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT * PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”
* SALT SHAKER
* SMALL TOY
* LARGE TOY
* PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY
* “CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”
* SCREWDRIVER
* WATER GUN
* BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG
* BOBBY PIN
* LARGE ELASTIC STRING
* “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”
* MARKER IN A GLOVE
* “HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”
* FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN
* SHAMPOO BOTTLE
* CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE
* HOMEMADE DILDO
* TOY SHARK
* “WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”
* EGG

It goes without saying, don’t try ANY of this foolishness in the coming year, unless of course you like making the list for 2016…

(via Deadspin)