BILLIONAIRE DIAMOND TRADER DIES DURING PENIS ENLARGEMENT PROCEDURE

Billionaire diamond trader, Ehud Arye Laniado, died during a penis enlargement operation in the clinic of an unnamed plastic surgeon on the Avenue des Champs-Elysees in Paris.

Complications during surgery were fatal for the Belgian-Israeli national when he suffered a heart attack after a substance was injected into his penis.

Ouch.

The billionaire, got into trouble with the authorities in 2013 when he faced claims for $5.2 billion from the Belgian authorities for tax evasion on diamonds illegally imported from Congo and Angola.

Laniado’s company, Omega Diamonds, which is based in the Belgian city of Antwerp, where most of the world’s top diamond traders operate, confirmed his passing. A statement read: 

“Farewell to a visionary businessman. It is with great sadness that we confirm that our founder Ehud Arye Laniado has passed away.”

Laniado reportedly suffered from a Napoleon Complex, due his short stature.

An old friend of Laniado said that Laniado was 

“always focused on his appearance and how others perceived him.”

He reportedly owned the most expensive penthouse in Monaco worth over $39.4 million, as well as a house in Bel Air.

A friend said: 

“In Antwerp, it turned out that he did have some talents. Internationally, he was one of the biggest experts in valuing raw diamonds.”

In 2015, Laniado sold the world’s most expensive diamond, called the Blue Moon of Josephine, to Hong Kong businessman and convicted felon Joseph Lau Luen Hung for approx. $48.4 million. (Hung?)

I don’t want to be a dick (?) about this, but whatever his achievements or failures, when you die during penis enlargement surgery, the headline isn’t going to be about diamonds.

The 12.03-carat Blue Moon diamond which Laniado sold for a record $48.4 million

(Photos, YouTube; via Fox News)

VARIOUS THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR THROATS, PENISES, VAGINAS & RECTUMS THIS YEAR...

Each year, Deadspin, fills us in on reports taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Descriptions are verbatim. And if you ask me, none of those things belong in there.

Some items making the list for the first time are, in the penis;

“FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”

…in the vagina;

“BATON”

…in the rectum;

“CANDLE IN CONDOM”

Objects are sorted by orifice, north to south:

E A R

• NECKLACE
• “PLACED CRAYON IN EAR ON A DARE”
• “WAS BORED AT SCHOOL, PUT PART OF A PEN IN EAR”
• DRAIN PLUG
• MATCH
• END OF A COMB
• “ALWAYS PUTS TOILET PAPER IN EAR WHEN SHOWERING. CAN’T REMOVE”
• FLOAM (?)
• TAPIOCA BALL
• TOY MOUSE
• “POPCORN KERNELS IN BOTH EARS, ‘FEEDS HER EARS BECAUSE HER EARS ARE HUNGRY’”
• LEAF
• TAMPON
• GOOGLY EYE
GLOW STICK
• “PIECE OF GELATINOUS TOY THAT EXPANDS WITH WATER”
• PEARL
• PEARLS
• CAR KEY
• BUG
• “PUT BLEACH ON A Q-TIP TO CLEAN EAR. CHEMICAL BURN”
• “WAS CLEANING EAR WITH Q-TIP, ACCIDENTALLY WALKED INTO WALL, PUSHED Q-TIP INTO EAR”

N O S E

• RUBBER BAND
• BUTTERFLY
• PAINT
• PINK VITAMIN
• COTTON BALL
• TREE NUT
• “SNEEZED AND A COMPUTER KEYBOARD KEY CAME OUT RT. NOSTRIL, SNEEZED AGAIN & ANOTHER ONE ALMOST CAME OUT”
• GUM
• GUM WRAPPER
• GUM IN WRAPPER
• SEX TOY
• POOL NOODLE
• PIECE OF STEAK

T H R O A T

• BANANA
• PLASTIC TOY BANANA
• “HAD WIFE’S EARRING IN HIS MOUTH AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED IT”
• CHRISTMAS TREE BRANCH
• TOY HORN
• SALT FROM SALT LAMP
• MULCH
• “DRINKING COFFEE OUT OF CHIP DIP CONTAINER THAT HAD SOME PLASTIC SEAL IN PLACE & FELT PIECE BREAK OFF WHILE • • • DRINKING. STILL IN THROAT”
• THROAT LOZENGE STILL IN BLISTER PACK
• SMALL TRANSISTOR RADIO
• MOOD RING
• STEEL WOOL
• “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE EATING PEANUTS”

P E N I S

• PIPE CLEANER
• STRAW
• DOMINO
• THIN ELECTRIFIED ROD
• “PIECE OF HARD WHITE PLASTIC THAT HE BROKE OFF WHILE WORKING W/ CRAFTS”
• BACK OF REMOTE CONTROL
• METAL PAPER CLIP
• FINGERNAIL CLIPPINGS
• TOILET PAPER
• PEN CAP
• 6 TO 7 BB PELLETS
• “PUT SOAP ON ELECTRICAL WIRE, INSERTED WIRE IN PENIS”
• CRACK VIAL
• CRAFTING STRING
• “FORK, PEN, AND JELLY WRAPPER”
• CHAIN
• PIECES OF PLASTIC HANGER
• 3M COMMAND STRIP PLASTIC HOOK

V A G I N A

• SMALL CHILD’S TOY
• BATON
• COLORED PENCIL
• “INSERTED A CRAYON IN VAGINA, CAN’T REMEMBER IF IT CAME OUT”
• MULTIPLE COTTON BALLS
• CAP OF DEODORANT SPRAY
• DOMINO
• PIECES OF A PEN
• GLASS PAPERWEIGHT
• “HAD AN EGG VIBRATOR COME APART IN VAGINA LEAVING PART OF IT AND5 BATTERIES IN THE VAGINAL CANAL”
• ARTIFICIAL FINGERNAIL
• MAKEUP BRUSH
• TOY PLASTIC BANANA
• PENIS RING
• “SLIPPED & FELL ON WET FLOOR AT HOME & ALSO HAS HAD SEX TOY STUCK IN VAGINA FOR 8 MONTHS”

R E C T U M

• CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT BALL
• BILLIARD BALL
• NAIL FILE
• SHOT GLASS
• “CRACK COCAINE WITH SEX OBJECTS”
• SD CARD
• “JUMPED ON BED – TOOTHBRUSH WAS ON BED AND WENT UP PATIENT’S RECTUM”
• “SAT DOWN ON THE SOFA AND ACCIDENTALLY SAT ON A BALL POINT PEN, PEN LODGES IN RECTUM”
• PLASTIC PENCIL CASE
• MARKER
• GREEN CRAYON
• IPAD STYLUS
• LUBE BOTTLE WITH CAP ON
• LEG OF TELESCOPE
• PLASTIC CIGAR HOLDER
• “PUSHED DRUGS UP RECTUM USING A LIGHTER, WAS ABLE TO RETRIEVE THE DRUGS BAG YET BELIEVE LIGHTER GOT STUCK”
• PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE
• TRAVEL SIZED MOUTHWASH BOTTLE
• SMALL SHAMPOO BOTTLE
• FULL SIZED SHAMPOO BOTTLE
• FULL SIZED AEROSOL CAN
• GOLF BALL
• TWO GOLF BALLS IN BAG
• “TOOK A SODA BOTTLE WITH FIREBALL WHISKEY VIA HIS RECTUM, STUCK BOTTLE IN RECTUM AND SQUEEZED”
• PLASTIC PILL BOTTLE
• 7 OZ. BEER BOTTLE
• BAR OF SOAP
• CANDLE IN CONDOM
• “SQUIRTED MIXTURE OF BLEACH AND WATER INTO RECTUM WANTING TO PREVENT AIDS”
• LIGHT BULB
• HANDLE OF BROOM
• CELL PHONE
• KEY CHAIN WITH FLASHLIGHT & BATTERY
• “HAS VIBRATOR IN RECTUM AND TRIED TO REMOVE IT WITH SCREWDRIVER AND LACERATED RECTUM; OBJECT IN COLON NOW”
• SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF STRING

(via Deadspin)

ANNUAL LIST OF VARIOUS THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR THROATS, PENISES, VAGINAS & BUTTS

Kids, our year-end tradition continues for the fourth year. Deadspin publishes the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits and they always boggle the mind. There are some perennial faves, but always some new surprises. Like..

“SWALLOWED STAPLES BECAUSE ‘ALIENS TOLD HER TO’”

And the very unsexy,

“WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA.”

And, you know, which of us has not been…

“AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUTS A SHOT GLASS UP YOUR RECTUM.”

I know you’ll find some cringe worthy, if not LITERALLY gag-worthy. Sorted by orifice, from north to south:

E A R

• BOBBY PIN

• SMALL RED TOY

• “WAS RUNNING WITH A STICK IN EAR; FELL STRIKING WALL”

• BREAD

• BATTERY

• “FELL ASLEEP WITH A PENCIL POKED IN HIS RIGHT EAR, PENCIL LEAD IN EAR CANAL”

• BROOM STRAW

• SLIM METAL ROD

• “STUFFED PAPER TOWEL IN EARS TO ACT AS EAR PLUGS BECAUSE ROOMMATE WAS SNORING, UNABLE TO GET IT OUT OF EAR”

• PUTTY

• A BEAN

• “GASOLINE IN LEFT EAR WHILE CHANGING FUEL FILTER”

• PENCIL SHAVINGS

• STEM OF A PLASTIC FLOWER

• RAIN WATER

• TWO STICKERS STUCK TOGETHER

• “GOOGLY EYE INSIDE HIS RIGHT EAR, AND ANOTHER THROUGH NOSE”

N O S E

• CANDY WRAPPER

• FUZZY ARTS AND CRAFTS BALL

• “SHOVED PLASTIC TOY UP IN BOTH NOSTRILS”

• GUM

• PINK BALLOON

• WAD OF HAIR

• “HOLDING A BOX OF JUICY JUICE AND THE STRAW WENT UP NOSTRIL”

• HEART-SHAPED NECKLACE PENDANT

• “PLAYING WITH A DIME ABOVE HEAD AND LOOKED UP WITH COIN FALLING INTO NOSE”

• “STUCK HAIRPIN INTO NOSTRIL TRYING TO CLEAR BLOOD CLOT FROM NOSEBLEED”

• FISHTANK GRAVEL

• FISHING LURE

• BABY BOTTLE NIPPLE

• ONE MAGNET IN EACH NOSTRIL

T H R O A T

• OPEN SAFETY PIN

• CIGARETTE

• “A COUPLE PIECES OF DECORATIVE GLASS FROM A VASE”

• DIARY KEY

• EASTER EGG

• “SWALLOWED STAPLES BECAUSE ‘ALIENS TOLD HER TO’”

• AQUARIUM THERMOMETER

• “SWALLOWED EARRING IN HER SLEEP THAT WAS IN MOUTH WHENSHE FELL ASLEEP”

• SEWING NEEDLE

• “SWALLOWED A PEN BECAUSE NO ONE PAID ATTENTION TO HIM”

• ANGEL’S TRUMPET SEED PODS

• GRITS

• “A GOLDEN SHINY PENNY”

• “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND ACCIDENTALLY SWALLOWED A QUARTER”

• GROW CAPSULE

• CONFETTI

• “FOUND AFTER SWALLOWING 1/2 PACK OF GUM IN ROOM AT HOME, EMPTY WRAPPERS EVERYWHERE”

• HOT SAUCE PACKET

• “INJURED AFTER EATING CHARGING END OF CELL PHONE”

• EARWIG

• “SWALLOWED 3 PLASTIC PUSH-PINS IN A DARE AT SCHOOL, WON $15″

P E N I S

• A LITTLE SCREW

• A SHARP TOY

• FOUR INCH LONG METAL SEX TOY

• PLASTIC SPOON

• PIECE OF DOMINO

• PIECE OF PLASTIC SHAMPOO BOTTLE

• “PUT PAPERCLIP THROUGH URETHRA AND PUNCTURED THROUGH THE SHAFT OF PENIS”

• COAXIAL CABLE

V A G I N A

• SCENTED SOAP

• DEODORANT LID

• “WAS CLEANING SELF IN SHOWER WHEN FOUND A TAMPON IN VAGINA. CONCERNED THAT THERE IS ANOTHER TAMPON IN VAGINA”

• BOTTLECAP

• PENIS RING WITH SPIKES ON IT

• A PIECE OF RUSTY METAL

• SILICON BALLS. PATIENT STATES IS FOR “YOU KNOW, FOR WHEN YOUR HUSBAND LEAVES TOWN”

• A BALL

• BIKE REFLECTOR

• “ON PERIOD, INSERTED NON-BIRTH CONTROL SPONGE IN VAGINA SO SHE COULD SWIM”

• HEADPHONES

• HOT TOWEL

• “WAS HAVING SEXUAL INTERCOURSE WITH BOYFRIEND WHEN HE PUT PHONE AND MONEY IN VAGINA”

• CLAY

• CANDLESTICK

• LOLLIPOP

• “USING MASSAGING URETHRAL VAGINAL STONE BALLS & THE STRING HOLDING 15 BALLS TOGETHER DISSOLVED, CAN ONLY FIND 14 BALLS”

• TOY MAGIC WAND

R E C T U M

• GOLF BALL

• PEANUT BUTTER JAR

• SPRAY BOTTLE

• CURTAIN ROD

• “STUCK A TOY UP HIS RECTUM BECAUSE HE THOUGHT HE WAS CONSTIPATED”

• TOOTHBRUSH

• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER

• FLOSS CONTAINER

• MOUTHWASH BOTTLE

• “AT A PARTY HAVING FUN WITH HIS MALE FRIENDS WHEN ONE PUT A SHOT GLASS UP HIS RECTUM”

• SMALL WOODEN KNICK-KNACK

• SCREWDRIVER

• PLASTIC FORK

• TOY MISSILE

• PLASTIC VIBRATING DILDO, CAN NOT TURN OFF

• “ATTEMPTED TO DISLODGE A DILDO FROM HIS ANUS USING A LETTER OPENER”

• CIGAR TUBE TO RELIEVE HEMORRHOIDS 

• “FEELING LONELY, USED A MASCARA CONTAINER IN PLASTIC BAG, PUT IN RECTUM”

• TIN CUP

• HAIR BRUSH

• “WAS DRINKING WITH FRIENDS AND ‘GOT TO EXPERIMENTING,’ AIR FRESHENER CONTAINER STUCK IN ANUS”

• MARBLES

• A LARGE BOTTLE OF SHAMPOO

• “SAT IN BATHTUB AND FELT SOMETHING GO INTO HER ANUS”

• CAT FOOD CAN

• BAG OF ORAL TOBACCO

• “WATER BOTTLE IN RECTUM, DOES THIS TO REDUCE ANXIETY”

• 3 AA BATTERIES

• 2 AAA BATTERIES

• D BATTERY

• “PATIENT SAID I HAVE A COIN IN MY ASS FROM A MONTH AGO”

(via Deadspin)

SOME THINGS WE GOT STUCK IN OUR VARIOUS THROATS, VAGINAS & RECTUMS THIS YEAR

I have a confession. I don’t make a habit of insert foreign objects into various orifices but then again, I don’t do crystal meth. Deadspin does make a year-end habit of compiling a listfrom the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission’s database of emergency room visits. Take a look and see what YOU think is the most bizarre. I’d have to say the potpourri in the ear, the snorkel in someone’s vagina, and the life-of-the-party dude who was

“entertaining guests by inserting the wooden leg of a chair into his rectum.” 

But there are many other odd things to choose from. Here’s the list of objects, sorted by orifice, working south...

E A R

* SAFETY RAZOR
* MECHANICAL PENCIL LEAD—“HER FRIEND ACCIDENTALLY DROPPED IT IN THERE”
* FINGER RING
* PIECE OF FOAM FOOTBALL
* “PUT TISSUE PAPER IN EAR TO KEEP HAIRSPRAY FROM GETTING IN EAR”
* TOY CELL PHONE
* “WAS DOING A MAGIC TRICK AND STUCK A TOY EYEBALL IN EAR”
* SEASHELL
* BEAN
* PIECE OF STRING
* “PATIENT CLAIMS SOMEONE HID A PIECE OF CRAYON IN HIS EAR TODAY IN SCHOOL”
* PIECE OF SOAP
* RUBBER BAND
* “LADYBUG FLEW IN EAR WHEN RIDING BIKE. NO MENTION OF HELMET”
* FISH HOOK
* “SOMEONE THREW A BB AND IT LANDED IN PATIENT’S EAR”
* TOY STICKY HAND
* POTPOURRI
* PLASTIC RASPBERRY FROM A FLORAL ARRANGEMENT
* “HAD LEAD FROM A PENCIL IN BOTH EARS AND A PIECE OF BLUE PAPER IN LEFT EAR”
* GRASS
* GASOLINE
* ROSARY BEAD
* KNITTING NEEDLE
* “PATIENT STATES ROACH WAS IN EAR, STABBED IT WITH PIN, SUSTAINED PERFORATION OF TYMPANIC MEMBRANE”
* LEGO
* PIECE OF CHOPSTICK
* “12 YEAR OLD MALE STATES THAT LAST EVENING, HE STUCK A PLASTIC BB INTO HIS EAR. ‘JUST BECAUSE.’”
* PIECE OF BLUETOOTH EARPIECE
* A SMALL RED BATTLESHIP PIECE FROM THE GAME

N O S E

* TIN FOIL
* ORANGE POM-POM
* CANDLE WAX
* “WAS PLAYING WITH A BALLOON & IT ACCIDENTALLY POPPED & A SMALL PIECE WENT INTO HIS NOSTRIL”
* HAIR TIE
* DOLL’S SHOE
* HALLOWEEN DECORATION
* “WHILE ATTEMPTING TO DO MAGIC TRICK STUCK A PENNY UP NOSTRIL”
* PILLOW STUFFING
* SPONGE
* SCREW
* TOY CAR WHEEL
* PEANUT
* “WAS FOUND IN BATHROOM STUFFING TOILET PAPER UP NOSTRIL”
* MOLDING CLAY
* PEBBLE
* CHAPSTICK
* STRAWBERRY-SMELLING STICKER
* WET PIECE OF CARDBOARD

T H R O A T

BROOM
* MARSHMALLOW
* LIGHTER
* “WAS EATING BEEF JERKY, WHEN HE OPENED THE PACKAGE OF SILICA AND SPRINKLED IT ON THE BEEF JERKY”
* GOLD TOOTH
* CONFETTI
* “A METAL DECORATION FROM HER PANTS”
* TAPE
* PERFUME BOTTLE CAP
* CANDY WRAPPER
* “PATIENT WAS DANCING AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN PATIENT SWALLOWED A QUARTER”
* “SWALLOWED A QUARTER WHILE BRUSHING TEETH”
* PIECE OF A CD
* PLASTIC EYES ON STUFFED TURTLE
* KEY CHAIN
* BALLOON OF MARIJUANA
* “ATE A HOT DOG WRAPPED IN BACON WITH TOOTHPICK INSERTED IN IT, SWALLOWED TOOTHPICK”
* PIECE OF PLASTIC FROM VACUUM-SEALED BEETS
* WIG
* TOILET PAPER HOLDER
* 2 AA BATTERIES, 2 LOCKS WITH KEYS,
* BULLET
* “DRINKING FROM A SODA CAN SWALLOWED A BEE. BEE STUNG PATIENT IN THROAT”

P E N I S

* HALF A PENCIL
* PENCIL ERASER
* PEN CAP
* PEN
* MARBLE
* COAT HANGER
* “PUT A PLASTIC STRAW IN HIS PENIS WHILE HE WAS HIGH
ON CRYSTAL METH”
* PLASTIC TUBING
* SCREWDRIVER
* MAGNETS

V A G I N A

* MAKEUP BRUSH
* FOLDED UP PAPER CUP AND STICKERS
* CELL PHONE
* HUSBAND’S PENIS RING
* PERFUME BOTTLE
* TWO TAMPONS
* TOY PLASTIC SPOON
* MAKEUP SPONGE
* GOLF BALL—“WANTED TO DO PELVIC FLOOR EXERCISES”
* A JINGLE BELL
* PIECE OF PLASTIC REINDEER
* WET WASHCLOTH
* EARRINGS
* VIAL OF FENTANYL
* TOY TEAPOT
* SNORKEL

R E C T U M

* “THINKS HE HAS TOOTHBRUSH CASE IN RECTUM, DOESN’T KNOW HOW B/C HE WAS DRUNK”
* TOY BABY BOTTLE
* GLASS BOTTLE
* “THOUGHT SOMEONE WAS AFTER HIM SO HE PUT PLASTIC BAG/PILL BOTTLES UP RECTUM”
* “CRAYONS AND COINS”
* DICE
* HANDLE OF TOILET PLUNGER
* TOILET BRUSH
* “7 YEAR OLD MALE WATCHING A VIDEO INVOLVING ALIENS RECTAL PROBING PEOPLE AT HOME, DECIDED TO TRY IT, PUT * PLASTIC TOY SCREW IN RECTUM”
* SALT SHAKER
* SMALL TOY
* LARGE TOY
* PLASTIC “SQUINKY” TOY
* “CONSTIPATION—DILDO STUCK IN RECTUM”
* SCREWDRIVER
* WATER GUN
* BATHTUB DRAIN PLUG
* BOBBY PIN
* LARGE ELASTIC STRING
* “ENTERTAINING GUESTS BY INSERTING THE WOODEN LEG OF A CHAIR INTO HIS RECTUM”
* MARKER IN A GLOVE
* “HAS 2 GOLF BALLS UP RECTUM AND WANTS TO HAVE REMOVED”
* FLASHLIGHT AEROSOL CAN
* SHAMPOO BOTTLE
* CAN OF HAIR MOUSSE
* HOMEMADE DILDO
* TOY SHARK
* “WAS AT A ‘FISTING PARTY’ AND HAS A SPIKEY RUBBER BALL THAT LIGHTS UP STUCK IN RECTUM.”
* EGG

It goes without saying, don’t try ANY of this foolishness in the coming year, unless of course you like making the list for 2016…

(via Deadspin)

VARIOUS THINGS WE GOT STUCK OUR COLLECTIVE VAGINAS, PENISES AND BUTTS THIS YEAR

Deadspin has a charming, informative holiday tradition I’m subscribing to this year; their annual trawl of the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission‘s database of emergency room visits to discover the most awkward objects that America shoved into its various holes. Oh, it’s hurts to even read the list. 

PENIS
• RUBBER TUBE
• “PLASTIC SPOON AND PERHAPS A PENCIL”
• CROCHET NEEDLE
• “STUCK A NAIL IN URETHRA THEN IT MIGRATED UP INTO THE BLADDER”
• WOOL YARN
• LONG PLASTIC HAND OF STIRRING SPOON
• “INSERTED A LONG BALLOON IN PENIS TO HAVE GIRLFRIEND BLOW UP FOR SEXUAL STIMULATION AND IT BROKE”

VAGINA
• PLASTIC HANDLE OF SCISSORS
• KNITTING NEEDLES
• PEN
• “A LARGE AMOUNT OF SAND”
• HAIR TIE
• BAG OF CRYSTAL METH
• 10″ STEAK KNIFE
• RAZOR
• SPONGE
• “ONE BATTERY AND THREE COINS”
• BATHTUB STOPPER
• “PUT A BAG OF MONEY IN VAGINA TO HIDE IT FROM HUSBAND”
• BILLIARD BALL
• “ORGASM BALLS”

RECTUM
• TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER
• PIPE
• KEYS
• ACORN
• SHOT GLASS
• DRUM STICK
• ICE PICK
• UNSHARPENED PENCIL
• “HAD ANAL SEX & HAS BRUISING, BLOOD ON TOILET PAPER, TOOK CRYSTAL METH TO HELP PAIN”
• CANDLE
• AIR FRESHENER
• CAN OF SPRAY PAINT
• SHAVING CREAM CAN
• SHAMPOO BOTTLE
• LOTION BOTTLE
• SODA CAN
• “BEER BOTTLE UP RECTUM & BOTTLE BROKE WHEN TRIED TO RETRIEVE BOTTLE W/ PLIERS. COCAINE USE PRIOR TO INSERTION”
• TURKEY BASTER
• PHONE CORD
• GOLF BALL
• METAL TOILET PAPER HOLDER
• TENT STAKES
• “ROLLED UP STACK OF PLASTIC TRASH BAGS”
• CHRISTMAS BELL
• LOG

Insert joke here –and here –and here. (via Deadspin)